Matchmaker, Matchmaker
by Hinn-Raven
Summary: Upon moving in with his father and Agent Washington, Junior assumes they're already dating. Upon learning this is not true, he quickly convinces his Aunt Carolina to help him change that.


Junior first meets Agent Washington during the medal ceremony for his father and his friends, in honor of their heroic stand.

There are speeches about bravery and heroism, and his father and all the reds and blues stand there for _hours_ , in full armor. Junior's jealous. They're probably playing games on their HUDs and complaining just too quietly for the microphone to pick up.

He's sitting between two strangers, but both of them seem fairly at ease with him, so they probably know who he is. He can't help but slip further down into his seat as yet _another_ UNSC official starts to pontificate about their capture of Malcolm Hargrove.

"Don't worry," the one in grey and yellow armor whispers to him. "This should be the last one."

Junior sighs in relief.

"Your dad's excited to see you," the man adds, and Junior perks up slightly. He arrived late, so he hasn't had time to see his father yet, and even though he _knows_ his father would have missed him… it's still nice to hear it from someone.

It's not until later that day that he realizes that this is _the_ Agent Washington, who, his dad has already told him, will be living with them in their new place, "Because otherwise he would live in a fucking depressing box in an alleyway somewhere," Father told him. Washington made distressed noises.

"Tucker, Junior is only in fifth grade, that kind of language isn't appropriate—"

"Fuck that shit! The first word Junior said in English was cockbite! He was born in Blood Gulch, dude. We're all terrible influences."

Washington groans.

Honestly, Junior goes into the situation pretty much assuming his father and Wash are already dating. Uncle Grif corrects this assumption after day three.

"Nah, they're too busy arguing and pretending everything's platonic in order to actually get their shit together," Grif says with a mouth full of sandwich.

Junior tilts his head, bemused.

"Yeah, Tucker and Wash won't figure things out until _drastic_ action is taken. And I can't be bothered," Grif said with a flourish, taking another huge bite out of his sandwich.

Junior sighs, and looks over the list of his various aunts and uncles for an appropriate backup. Uncle Caboose is right out. Uncle Donut won't be able to hide what he's doing. Uncle Simmons can't lie. Uncle Grif can't be bothered. Sarge… is _Sarge_. Aunt Kai is still in transit to Chorus.

Which leaves his newest Aunt.

"You want me to help you set your father and Wash up on a date?" Junior hasn't gotten to spend much time with Aunt Carolina yet. He just has a bunch of stories from his dad and the uncles, as well as brief impressions. But Junior likes to think he's a good judge of character.

Besides, it's not like she could be worse than his uncles.

Junior nods.

Carolina shifts, looking extremely uncomfortable. "Look, Junior, I'm… not good at this sort of thing."

Junior's shoulder slump slightly, and Carolina sighs. "But fine. Let's—let's see what we can do."

As it turns out, Junior might have had more success if he went with Uncle Donut. Aunt Carolina is _hopeless_ at romance. Junior's almost in sixth grade, and he already _knows_ that expecting his father and Wash to actually talk about their feelings on their own free will is pointless.

After a few attempts at facilitating conversation, Aunt Carolina comes around. "Those two are hopeless," she says. Junior nods. She sighs. "Alright, so you said you had plans?"

Junior holds up various romantic movies that he stole from Uncle Donut's collection. "Research," he says.

She squints at the rating on one of them. "Are you sure this is appropriate?"

"My dad's _Tucker_ ," Junior points out.

"Right," Aunt Carolina sighs and puts the movie in. Junior snuggles up against her, and they watch them together.

Aunt Carolina seems bemused by most of the movies, although they both end up slightly invested in a few of the stories.

In the end, they determine that there are important steps to any romantic get-together.

The first step is a gift or thoughtful gesture. As they write it down, they look at each other, and cross off the gesture.

"They've saved each other's lives a thousand times during the war," Carolina says. "If that didn't trigger something, nothing will."

It takes Junior three days to convince his father that Wash wants a cat. It takes Tucker five hours after that to present Wash with a one-eyed, bedraggled, flea-ridden cat that Uncle Caboose had found in a back alley.

"Here dude," Tucker says. "You like cats, right? Doctor Grey says she has all her shots."

Wash stares at the cat in his arms. "Tucker, I—" The cat begins to purr in Wash's arms, and Wash _melts_. Junior takes pictures for Aunt Carolina, who's waiting at her house for Junior to come by with a progress report. "Thank you," Wash says sincerely, and there's a moment of significant eye contact. Junior quickly runs out of the house to inform Aunt Carolina of the development.

Step two, he and Carolina determine, seems to involve having a fight over a simple misunderstanding.

Well, that's easy enough. Dad and Wash are great at fighting. He starts stealing his dad's things and planting them in Wash's room or on Wash's person, and waits.

Sure enough, they have a huge argument the next day. However, they don't seem to have actually _talked_ afterwards, which is disappointing. Instead, they seem to be of the opinion that Uncle Caboose is somehow responsible, or maybe Uncle Grif. Junior frowns. They're not being very cooperative.

"Maybe they're stuck because they're _always_ fighting?" Carolina asks, frowning at their checklist. "So, maybe we need to have them get along? What do they agree on?"

The answer to that is really easy.

It takes exactly three wars to incite an all-out Red vs Blue paintball war. Junior's rather proud of the results. Dad and Wash are back-to-back, covered in paint and laughing. Dad complains about not being able to use his sword. Uncle Donut breaks out the paint balloons, and everyone ends up with a mouthful of paint.

Aunt Carolina, Doc, and Junior are officially neutral, which seems to translate into "open targets." Carolina ends up faintly purple after the initial wave, and ends up trying to take on both the Reds and Blues at once, forcing them all to team up to fight her off.

All in all, Junior decides, watching his dad help Wash get paint out of his hair at the end of the day, this part of the plan was a success.

The next stage is to sit by and wait for the inevitable get together. But nothing happens. Dad and Wash behave like nothing has changed, fighting sometimes, and getting along others. Both of them still stare at the other when they think no one's looking.

"They're _oblivious_ ," Carolina says, incredulous. "I have no idea what to do now."

Junior sighs. It's time for the contingency.

It doesn't take much effort to rally his uncles and recently arrived Aunt Kai to the cause. It does, however, take them a while to set up a closet for the correct atmosphere. Junior's not allowed to help with the set-up, which he thinks is ridiculous, but he doesn't argue. Instead, he volunteers to be bait for Dad.

It takes the collective force of the Reds, Blues, and Aunt Carolina to get the two of them in the closet.

"You're going to stay in there until you talk about your goddamn feelings!" Sarge shouts.

"I'm going to break down the door!" Wash yells.

"That's why Grif is leaning against the door!" Simmons yells.

"Guys, this is ridiculous!" Father protests. "Let us out of here!"

"Not happening!" Donut sings. Suddenly, there's a choking noise.

"Are those _condoms_!" Wash shrieks. Donut beams, proud of himself.

"And lube! Dude, I think they want us to fuck."

Wash starts spluttering, and Junior knows that he's flushing. "What? Why would they—how did they—"

"Aaaand, that's our cue," Carolina starts sheparding them all away from the closet.

She offers Junior a fist to bump. "Good job, kid," she grins.

They don't move away fast enough to miss Wash's yelp of surprise as Father kisses him.


End file.
